5 Reasons Why Your Friend May Have Stopped Talking To You
It sucks when a friend suddenly stops talking to you, especially when it happens without explanation. The pain you feel is just as bad (if not worse) than when someone you’re dating ghosts you. You’re left with so many burning questions: What did I do? Do they hate me? Will they ever speak to me again? And honestly, depending on why your friend stopped talking to you, your questions may go unanswered. There are several reasons why a friend may stop speaking to you—and the list is long. But here is a list of 5 common reasons why a friend may shut you out and what you can do about it.
1. Your Friend Is Going Through Something.
When a friend stops communicating, it may not even be about you. Your friend could be going through a bout of depression, anxiety, sadness, or some other hardship. It would be nice if everyone was forthcoming about their mental state. But not everyone feels comfortable asking for help or feeling vulnerable.
If you believe your friend is going through a tough period, you have a number of options. You can call them. If they do not pick up, leave a short message letting them know that you care for them and are available whenever they are ready to talk. If calling them does not seem like a great option, send them an email or text conveying the same message. Refrain from overwhelming your friend with phone calls and messages. Any added stress could worsen your friend’s emotional state and make them withdraw further from you. If you know your friend’s address, do not just show up at their home. This could backfire, if your friend does not want unexpected guess. Instead, try messaging your friend to see if they want company. You can also send your friend a nice inexpensive care package stuffed with their favorite things.
But play it safe. Give your friend space and put sufficient time between each attempt at contact. Additionally, keep each contact brief so as to not overwhelm your friend. Try not to force your friend to talk about difficult topics that make them feel uncomfortable. Once your friend is feeling better, they may eventually reconnect.
2. Your Friend May Have Taken A Hiatus.
If your friend suddenly stops talking to you, they may simply be taking time to recharge as a means of self-care. Having a strong social network is beneficial to your health and well-being. But socializing can be psychologically and mentally exhausting—for both introverts and extroverts. So it’s not uncommon for people to take a hiatus from socializing. For some, the hiatus may be as short as an hour or a day. For others, a hiatus from socialization can span weeks or even months. Sure, it would have been ideal for your friend to give you a heads up. But your friend may not have felt comfortable communicating that they needed a break. Or maybe they just didn’t think that you would worry.
If you’re concerned about your friendship, you can text your friend to let them know you’ll be there when they feel up to socializing again.
3. Your Friend Is Busy.
In the age of technology, it’s difficult to be patient when someone doesn’t respond when you want them to. But here’s the thing. Most of us live busy lives. Unless we are fortunate, we work at least five days a week and have several other responsibilities outside of that. So if a friend suddenly stops talking to you, they may just be preoccupied.
Of course this does not mean a friend should consistently ignore you. Friendships like any other relationship, should be reciprocal. If you are always initiating communications you may want to re-evaluate your friendship because reciprocity is an essential ingredient to every relationship.
You can generally tell the difference between someone purposefully or unintentionally ignoring you. If you are unsure, send your friend a message explicitly asking them if they are busy. Any friend that actually cares for you and who is reasonably good at communicating will explain that they are simply busy. When your friend responds, tell them that you would love to speak or meet up whenever they are free again. To make it easier for your friend suggest a date at least a week out. If they want to meet but can’t do it on the specified date hopefully they respond with an alternative date. As an act of kindness, you can also offer to help your friend with the tasks that are weighing them down.
PRO TIP: Once your friend is no longer busy you try spending time getting to know one another better by playing this amazing friendship game. Whether you’ve been friends for just a couple of weeks or decades, this game will allow you to further connect. It will also strength your ability to weather the ups and downs that come with any friendship. It will also allow you to be vulnerable and strengthen your appreciation and love for one another.
If you prefer wants something a little lighter, try this fun friendship game. It is sure to bring lots of laughs. You’ll engage compete with other people showing how much you know your friend while also learning so much more about them.
____________________
Sadly, if your friend never responds to your message, it’s likely they are purposefully ignoring you. Which brings us to the next two reasons why a friend may stopped talking to you.
4. You’ve Done Something Wrong.
If your friend stops speaking to you without notice, it’s very possible that you intentionally or unintentionally did something that made them upset. So try to reflect and figure out what could have gone wrong. Did you lie to your friend? Divulge their personal information? Make a rude comment? Fail to reciprocate?
If you have any inclination that you did something wrong, attempt to meet with your friend for a conversation. During the conversation ask your friend if you did something to make them stop talking to you. Try not to get defensive. Instead, actively listen and respond in a way that will settle the problem. If you and your friend cannot come to a resolution, there is a chance your friendship will come to an end. So it’s best to apologize if you’ve done something wrong or come up with a solution to the issue.
If you have mutual friends, try asking if they’ve heard from the person who has cut ties. If your friends have heard from the person, don’t ask so many questions that you make them feel uncomfortable. Just inform them that your friend has stopped talking to you and you would be grateful if they can provide any valuable information
5. Your Friendship Is Over.
Sometimes when a friend stops speaking to you and cuts all ties, it’s because they no longer want the friendship. A good indicator that your friend is breaking up with you, is if the person continues to ignore you or gives you vague, curt, and indifferent responses. Once you come to the conclusion that you’re going through a friendship breakup, try not to take it personal. Unless your friend says you did something wrong, it may not even be about you. Most friendships tend to be fleeting. In fact, in 2009 a Dutch study found that the majority of friendships only last about seven years. So savor the moments you had together and try to move on.
But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t move on as quickly as you want. The pain caused by the end of any relationship takes time to heal. Until you heal, it’s also best to avoid visiting your friend’s social media channels or any places you know they routinely frequent. To process your emotions, it’s okay to find a trusted person to speak to. But do not divulge your friend’s secrets or speak poorly about them. This type of behavior is not only callous, it is likely to cause more harm to your own mental health.
As time goes on, your friend may want to reconnect with you. So if you want to leave the door open to reconciliation in the future, let them know. If the friend that stopped talking to you decides they want a relationship in the future, do not feel obligated to let them back in. You may decide your life is better without them in it, and that is perfectly fine. At the end of the day you should do what’s best for your mental health.
Friendships like any relationship come with obstacles. While these transitional periods can be painful, the aforementioned suggestions can help you navigate your particular circumstances. If you have any comments, questions, or suggestions on how to get through periods where a friend stops talking to you, please leave them down in the comments.
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72 Comments
Brown Sugar
I agree that your life might just be better off without them.
In fact, your life IS better off without them.
I don’t think anyone who abruptly cuts you off has any conscience, especially when you have been trying to find out what the problem is from them and they refuse to say anything.
They don’t care about you!!!
KD
Being ghosted is extremely painful. I will say that over the years, I’ve learned that when people cut you off, many times its about them and not about you. Thought it still doesn’t stop it from being hurtful. Anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed my post. Thank you for commenting!
Djc
One time someone who I was pretty close friends with just suddenly stop replying to my messages. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but after about a month or so, I tried communicating with them. At that point it hadn’t sunk in that I wouldn’t be hearing back from this person. Again I spaced things out, two more tries, about a week and a half apart.
Still nothing. So I made the assumption that this person was no longer the friend I thought they were.
Disclaimer–I’m using the “they, them” pronoun out of discretion.
So I resolved to move on. When I decide to move on from somebody, I cut them off completely. I blocked this person on all of my social media, WhatsApp etc. I then grieved pretty hard for a couple of days, and then continued on with my life.
I was fine for a while, but I was still hanging out and communicating with many of our mutual friend friends, and I began to wonder if I’d moved to rashly. I started to grieve again, wishing–praying to the universe, if you will–for some kind of resolution.
One day out of the blue, I got a message from this person. I had forgotten that we had a Facebook messenger chat group that we were still in, and this person managed to reach me through that.
This person wanted to know how I was doing, and that they really missed me, and that they really wanted to tell me all about the crazy situation they had been through over the last month and a half. Long story short, this person was kidnapped as an infant and adopted by an American family, and had just found out that they’re biological family had been searching for them their entire life. And in that time period, this person’s biological family had just found them and reached out, telling them the story about being kidnapped and sold to an adoption agency. So obviously this person was dealing with a lot, and I had no idea, and my anxiety/tendency to overthink won out over my patience.
Anyways, when I unblocked this friend of mine, they were shocked, saddened, and most of all, concerned about me, my feelings etc. This person expressed so much remorse for realizing how their silence was making me feel, and wanted to have a video chat to talk through it. I too, expressed regret for not understanding what my friend was going through, and being more patient, not so worrisome. Though to this day, I still struggle with this anxiety.
I cried tears of joy, sadness and relief at the realization that not only did I get my friend back, but in fact I never really lost them to begin with. Powerful.
Our friendship ultimately grew stronger from this experience.
Obviously I wasn’t meant to lose this friend at that time. Who’s to say what the future may bring–things always seem to have a way of coming full circle.
I have learned from this experience to not make rash decisions based on my strong emotions, for that usually leads to unnecessary endings. Instead, I only move on (still blocking completely) when they have shown indisputable evidence that it’s over–in other words, I let them unfriendly me first, before I respond by moving on.
Moral of the story is, if you’re not there seeing and dealing with what your friend is dealing with, then you have no idea. So don’t speculate or fabricate false narratives that can only lead to damaging misunderstandings. Instead, be patient and wait until you hear back on their situation, and go from there.
KD
Wow. You’re absolutely right. This is a great example of why we can’t be too quick to speculate or cut people off. I’m glad that your friend reached out to you and you two were able to move forward. I truly hope your friend finds peace from what I imagine was traumatic situation. Wishing you the best as well!
Emily Mathews
Well said; thank you!!!
KD
You’re very welcome!
Safiyyah Usman
You are very thoughtful and kind. Your words are heartfelt and caring.
Thank you, Joy & Blessings
KD
Thank you so much! It brings me a lot of joy to know that my article has reached and helped so many people.
Jackie Cain
I am going through this. My friend is sick. I only wanted to b there for him and encourage him. He wished I called him more. I tried and couldn’t get through. I’m not blocked. His phone is off everytime I call. I gave up. I don’t know how he is or what is going on. We live n different states. I’m so sad😥
KD
I hope everything is fine with your friend and that he reached out sometime soon. If possible, try to reach out to him through other avenues.
Aashi Jindal
Hi
It’s not about a friend but a sort of business contact I wanted to have a meeting with him but he’s just not picking up my calls I when first tried few times he didn’t pick up but after he said he will check his schedule and inform me accordingly I think I was being too friendly with a business contact now the mess has already been done he’s not answering my calls I’ve called so many times but he’s just not ready to listen to me what should I do I don’t even know if he even reads messages or mails he always says I’m very busy what should I do I don’t understand I want to have a meeting only plz suggest me something to solve my problem.
Thank you for your time.
KD
In life there are certain things that are outside of our control. When, and if, someone decides to speak to you is one of those things. I hope you and your business contact have been able to meet up since you last left this comment. But if you haven’t, try not to focus on it. If he calls you great. But if he doesn’t that’s fine too. You’ll be forced to move on, but it’ll get better with time. This entire experience is just a life lesson–many times it’s best not to let romantic feelings creep into and a business relationship.
Valentina
Thank you for this article. I went to live abroad 5 years ago and had a small but lovely group of friends from work. After the pandemic I changed job but they didn’t. All of them have relationships now and I don’t. They can never meet, they barely reply, the odd one that does, cannot meet. I am tired of being the one that wants to meet them, I miss them and I miss what we did, and I feel lonely otherwise. But I have the feeling they don’t want to see me and I don’t know why? I am even considering going back to my homeland because of this. Than you.
KD
I’m glad my articled helped you. When you’re single, it can be really difficult when friends get into relationships. Most people devote the majority of their time to their significant other. This unfortunately results in less quality time with friends. You mentioned that you don’t feel like they want to see you. This may not be true. They probably just have different priorities now that they are in a relationship. I’m not saying to hurt you. But to point out that it’s not about you. It’s very likely they still care for you and miss you at times; but at this stage, they are more concerned with their relationships.
Once your friends are out of the honeymoon phase, they may circle back around and want to hang out more. But you are not obligated to stick around and wait to find out. Try to venture out and find new friends, or a romantic partner (if you want one). There is nothing wrong with going back to your homeland. But if the only reason you want to return is because of the current situation with your friends, I would wait. Try not to make a rash decision based on your current feelings. Let some time pass, engage in hobbies, meet other people. Things are bound to get better!
Nia
I would like to ask for some advice – I hope this is ok?
I’m a tenth-grade student. Recently, my friend stopped hanging out with my friend group and started hanging out with other people. It wasn’t a messy ending or anything like that – she left because she enjoyed hanging out with them rather than because she didn’t like us. We’re still nice to each other, just not as close.
However, my best friend in my friend group was really upset about it. She didn’t say it explicitly and she wasn’t spiteful about it, but I could tell she wished the friend hadn’t left.
We’ve known each other for five years. My best friend is a very shy person and she cares so much about other people that she forgets to take care of herself. She always puts other people first – she isn’t talking to me or our other friends about what she’s feeling in case she hurts our feelings, I can tell. I’m worried. She doesn’t laugh at jokes or make funny comments like she used to. She’s stressed all the time, but we’re not particularly busy at the moment (in terms of schoolwork). I’ve tried not to overwhelm her with questions but I really want to know what she’s thinking.
What should I do? Do you know what she is or might be thinking? Thanks for your column.
KD
Hello Nia,
I’m sorry one of your friends removed herself from your group. On the bright side, it sounds like it was a pretty peaceful friendship breakup, which is really good.
Regarding your best friend, you said that she isn’t the same around the group. That she’s really quiet now and doesn’t laugh at jokes like she did in the past. It does sound like something may be going on, but you shouldn’t assume her recent behavior is because one of your friends left the group. Everyone’s life is multifaceted and your best friend could very well be going through something you don’t know about. If the opportunity presents itself, you tell her that you’re worried about her because you don’t feel as though she’s been acting like she usually does. And ask her if she would like to talk or vent to you about anything that’s been on her mind. If she says no, or if she brushes you off, drop the conversation and just remind her that you’re there for her if she ever needs to talk about anything. Hope this helps – KD
Connie
Hi! I just came across your article today. I have a situation that happened a year ago but to this day it still hurts. I try not to think about it.
I met this woman back when I was in university in 2004. At the time, she was going through a breakup with a boyfriend. I was there for her. Then I met my boyfriend a few months later and a year later she met her current boyfriend. When she first told her boyfriend, he rejected her and she called me at 3am crying to me. I reassured her it would be okay. So as the year went on, I was always there for her, I would go with her to her boyfriend’s house in the middle of the night when hr cheated on her.
Long story short I was always there for her. She was there for me when I broke up with my boyfriend seven years later. Then in 2016, she decided to move out of our home state for a job but still went back to our home state to visit family. I got married in 2017 but we still went shopping together until 2018. We still kept in touch in 2018-2021 but her responses were more generic. Then in 2022 she stopped responding. I don’t know if she stopped talking because she and her boyfriend never got married but I did.
I feel that it was mean of her to completely disregard our friendship. We were friends for 18 years when she stopped talking to me. We went through a lot together and I really wanted to grow old with her friendship. Oh well.
Julie
Life can weigh you down to the point where comms become impossible. As a consequence I have lost sincere and good friends. The answer, I feel, lies with me..
KD
That is most certainly true – sometimes the throes of life will cause you to shut down. And maybe you were the impetus for the demise of some of your friendships. But remember, it takes two to maintain a relationship (whether platonic or intimate). So, while you may have stifled communication, you also have to ask yourself whether your friends put in the effort to reopen the lines of communication. If they tried and you didn’t reciprocate hopefully you’ve learned a lot from the experience and will do better next time. From your comment, it sounds like you are very introspective and have already done so.
I’m truly sorry you’ve lost good friends. Trust me, we’ve all been there. You can always reach back out to some of them to try re-connect. Just make sure you are mentally prepared should they decide not to respond because it can reopen old wounds.
Maya
Hi
So this friend of mine has been friends with me for at least six years. In the start we were classmate but later she shifted some other place but we still kept in contact. Now over the years the friendship did suffer as many times we’d not have much common ground to talk about but still it was fine as we’d chat everyday about mindless stuff. The convo never ended. But suddenly a couple of days ago she stopped replying. Once in the middle she just replied shes busy but other than that nothing else. But she isn’t really busy as she is able to post on insta and other places but not talk to me. It is really hurting me as I truly thought of her as my constant friend. What should I do?
KD
Hey Maya. One of the first things you have to do is stop looking at her social media page(s). It’s only going to be a huge source of pain. Sometimes people are busy but make time for social media because it’s an easy way to busy their minds, or they have to keep up a particular image. That doesn’t mean your friend isn’t necessarily busy.
If you want, reach out to her and tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t respond then it may be a sign that you friendship is over or just going through a rough patch. Only time will tell.
If she doesn’t reciprocate int he friendship for a significant period of time, don’t continue chasing her. Just let go and allow yourself time to heal. Good luck!
H
Hi,
I’m currently going through this situation and have no idea what i’ve done wrong and feeling unsure about what I should do, if anything.
Would be so grateful for any thoughts / advice 🙂
My friend hasn’t spoken to me in months (last contact was late April). We used to speak at least once or twice a month previously and have been friends for around 10 years. I had plans to meet them and they cancelled at the last moment (after I had to message twice to ask if it was still happening).
I said it was all good, didn’t address the rudeness and just agreed we could re-arrange for another time.
I found they had ‘unfriended’ me on FB a few days later. I messaged asking about the ‘unfriending’ and whether they had fallen out with me over text. They responded that my FB account ‘no longer existed’ so they deleted me, that was all. I have messenger on, but profile hidden and it has been this way for years. They told me they were going through a lot and had become introverted, but there was no problem between us.
I asked if I could add them back on FB and they said yes. They then invited me to an event they were going to a few weeks later and offered for me to stay at their house. I said I was working but would try to get it off work or swap shifts and would let them know asap.
They said this was fine and to let them know. I messaged saying I unfortunately hadn’t been able to book the time off.
This was following a few instances wherein we’d made plans and one of us couldn’t make it / cancelled. However, they only ever seemed to want to see me at events they would already be at and sorrounded by their friends and family, an I had to do all the travel / expense…
I ended the message saying thank you for the invite and asking them to let me know if anything else came up. No response.
I managed to get the time off a week later when someone agreed to swap, so sent a follow up text, asking if it was still possible for me to join. I am ashamed to admit, I double-texted after no response to the initial message. They ignored this too.
I waited a week and then called as I had gotten worried and got the one ring, divert to voicemail, which a GOOGLE tells me means either their phone is set to Do Not Disturb, my number is specifically diverted to VM or I am blocked.
Their behaviour suggests to me they don’t want to be freinds anymore, but don’t feel comfortable to just tell me that straight out. This is unusual for them as they are usually extremely direct to the point of being hurtful, but at least you know where you stood with them.
It is confusing me because they said we were fine, their tone was pleasant during our last conversation, they said the FB unfriending was not a snub (though I suspect this was a lie), then they invited me to an event and to stay at their house. They have also not unfriended me on FB, so it doesn’t feel 100% clear that the friendship is definitely over.
I can see they are still active on social media and going out socially.
I am leaving the country in a few months (which they know), so should I send one last text, even just to say goodbye etc. Or have they made it clear enough they want nothing to do with me, should I just leave it now and move on?
I am heartbroken about losing my friend, we were close and known each other a long time. I just feel incredulous they would end the friendship by ghosting. Should I unfriend them on FB, just for closure?
Many thanks for any thoughts / help / 2nd opinions! 😀
H XXX
KD
Hi H,
I know what you’re going through is very painful. I’ve been there. From what you’ve told me, it seems like your friendship maybe over (either temporarily or permanently). You mention that you are leaving the country, are you leaving for good? If you are leaving for good. I don’t know that it’s even worth it to reach back out to this person. But if you do, I just simply state something along the lines of “Hey. I miss hanging out. I would love to see you at least one time before I leave the country. Are you free to do X on X date at X time?” In my opinion, it’s always best to suggest the activity and the date. This way you avoid placing that burden on the other person.
If the person does not respond to your text, leave it at that. Do not reach anymore. As for Facebook. I wouldn’t delete their Facebook until you are at least 90% sure you will never want to speak to them again. If you want to avoid seeing them on your feed, put their profile on silent. I’m not on Facebook but I imagine there is a feature that allows you to do that. If you do remain Facebook friends, do not snoop on their page. This will only prolong your pain. Go ahead and delete them if you think you’ll snoop on their page.
Do not reach out to them again for closure. You will never get it from them. Create your own closure by reminding yourself that you have no control over the other person’s decision; that you were the best friend that you could be; and that you deserve reciprocity, respect, and love in all of your relationships. Also remember, most relationships (especially friendships) aren’t meant to last forever. And that’s okay!
Anne
Great article. Some weeks ago I had a fight with a group of friends I hanged out with online. We were 3 people in total including me, and played a lot together. The fight resulted in me getting banned from our group and both of them banning me on Discord where we had our group, and unfriending me on Steam. I don’t fully get what happened, I must have given the impression that I wanted to leave the group, which really wasn’t the case. One of the friends said that he had hurt me a lot and wanted to let me go for that, he really hasn’t and I tried to talk to him about us staying friends. But he said that he had felt bad in the friendship for a long time and felt that none of us could continue as friends, when I tried to ask him why he felt bad he said that he couldn’t do this anymore and needed everything to stop. Then he blocked me and I haven’t heard from the other friend I think that he blocked me on Steam too. I felt so sad, I loved playing with them but now it suddenly stopped
KD
Thank you for your compliment. I sorry to hear about your breakup. This is probably one door closing to open up the door to an even better group of gamers that you’ll become friends with.
Miss Hall
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life history of being alive is to never make friends, ever again.
So far, my friendships are either one sided, have it where they don’t know me more than what they’re invested, or where they just up and leave, without even saying “Goodbye”.
The other day, a friend ended things over text and didn’t return any correspondence to talk about things. I think something could have been worked out or, at least, we could’ve parted on better terms.
My heart was been wounded but that was too much.
So, who needs friends? What good are they for? Well, I guess for heartbreak.
I’ll never make friends again. I shouldn’t have made any to start with.
KD
In the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson said, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” It always sucks when friendships or intimate relationships end, and I can understand the feeling of wishing the friendship never started in the first place. But that comes from a place of hurt. We gain so much from friendships/relationships (which we don’t realize until later, if at all). I suggest that you don’t close yourself off. When you do that, you risk loosing many fruitful friendships. Don’t give up!
Luna
Hi,
My friends are drifting away. They have been talking to me less and less these two last months. First the text messages were reduced to cero (when I tried to reach out it was only hi, how you doing “good” and then say goodbye) and when we met in person they only say hi out of politeness because they could not ignore I was physically there. The thing is, I got angry with a friend of theirs, he was disrespectful towards me, wanted me as his sidechick (taking my hand, my forearm, smiling, winking and saying my name when his wife and no one else was around; when we were surrounded of people he ignored me), so I stopped talking to him.
My friends don’t know the story, I have not told them (afraid they would not believe me because they’re too fond of their friend). They tried to make me talk to him like we used to, and I suspect they got tired of me not trying to repair the relationship. I’m afraid he had told them something different… Are they really my friends? Were they really my friends? I only have to offer my presence and a pair of ears, he has a lot of personal, material stuff and conections to offer… or I’m wrong to think that my friendship was less valuable to them because of that, because they met me after they had already were friends with him?
How do I cope losing them? It hurts a lot but I’m in the process of accepting that their friendship is really gone.
KD
Hi Luna. I’m sorry you are going through this tough time. It is very possible that the male friend lied to your friends. However, there is no way for you to know unless you ask your “friends” what’s going on and explain your side of the story. Keep in mind that if these people cut you off without speaking to you, they may not be great friends in the first place. The universe could be doing you a big favor by removing them from your life. If none of them have reached out to you at all, I would be cautious about trying to reconnect.
As far as coping with the loss of a friendship, it takes time. It’s okay to grieve. In fact, you should acknowledge and accept your feelings because they are absolutely normal! Although it doesn’t seem like it now, it will get better with time.
Lee
I have a friend who I met on a dating app about 3 years ago. He was pretty text book definition of emotinally unavailable and not ready for a romantic relationship, so I offered my friendship. Then the pandemic hit and he started texting me again and calling me. Sometimes the texts were flirty. We’d have long phone calls. Our communication was never daily, but mostly weekly. We never went more than a month without speaking. This lasted for about 2 years. He never hung out with me in person until this past winter, Jan 2022, I had injured myself and was housebound and all of a sudden he wanted to hang out. So he started coming over one night a week and just hanging out, talking and watching TV, brought me groceries. Nothing happened physically and there wasn’t really any flirtation. We even went to a party together. Then I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks and he reached out saying he was in and out of the hospital with health issues that I knew he was dealing with. I then would check in on him regularly to see how he was, and he told me he appreciated that I would check in on him as not many people did.
I started to realize after a few months, it was only me reaching out at this point and getting very vague responses from him. I then didn’t hear from him for a month and I texted him asking why he had disappeared. He said he was feeling better and getting himself back out there (not sure what that meant). I told him I was glad i could be there for him when he was sick, but now that he’s better, he just disappears. He didnt even apologize, just said it’s not how I’m describing and that he’s just a bit better and still dealing with his normal health issues, but he was on a leave of absence from his job, and currenlty started working again and has been busy with that…I told him I felt this was one sided as I kept reaching out and only getting vague answers and how he never asks how I am, knowing I just lost my dad and was going through a rough time. He never apologized for making me feel a certain way. Just kind of responded with ‘So how are you?’ and then we talked for a bit, just shooting the sh*t, and then never heard from him again. This was 3 months ago.
I don’t think he’s seeing anyone, as he is still on the dating apps, and he is text book emotionally unavailable. Even if he was busy at work, or seeing someone, why stop contacting me?
I should add he is very much an introvert, very likely on the spectrum a bit, and isn’t very social at all. I just find it so odd he suddenly stopped contacting me. He is usually pretty open about how he’s feeling, so if he was in a bad way, I think he would have told me he was depressed.
Part of me wants to reach out one more time, but then I feel like, why should I? Out last communication made it pretty clear that it upset me that he wasn’t reaching out. And he still hasn’t. I guess I’m just a bit hurt. Perhaps it’s because deep down I still have feelings for him, which I know is pointless because he clearly doesn’t for me, or at least he is not capable of giving me what I need in a romatinc relationship. So why ditch the friendship? It’s like after 2 years of talking, we finally start hanging out in person, and he vanishes. It’s been on my mind a lot and I’m not sure how to approach it or just leave it.
KD
Hi Lee. Some people are takers, and the person you are describing sounds like one. The pandemic was a very lonely period for a lot of people. And a lot of people sought to fill voids in their lives, even for selfish reasons. It’s sounds to me like the person you were speaking to needed to fill a void in his life and you are someone he trusted and could count on. I’m sorry to say that he’s likely not going to come back around because his needs have been fulfilled. As much as it hurts, you have to let go. Just try to cherish the good times you had together (I’m assuming and hoping there were some). Also, if he ever comes back around, I wouldn’t suggest letting him back in. If you dig deeper into what’s going on…he’s probably seeking to fill another void. Let him know that you aren’t available.
They Insist I'm not a Third Wheel
Hello… can i ask for advice too?
I’ve had a best friend since elementary, and we kept in touch online over time when I moved schools and she stayed behind. I made a new friend that I equally treasure at the new place, he’s like a brother to me. I introduced them to each other over email and now my friend from elementary moved to this school… and I feel like my relationship with both of them has been weakened significantly. My elementary friend and I try to talk but we always seem to be at a loss of words, and my bro doesn’t even write back sometimes or acknowledge that I’m even there. My two best freinds fell in love with each other and now I dont know what to do…
KD
I know this situation hurts terribly. If your two friends are truly in love with each other, they have you to think for that. Hopefully once the honeymoon phase is over for them, they will reconnect with you on a stronger level. Have you tried talking to them about how you are feeling? They may be so consumed in their feelings that they don’t even recognize that you are hurting. I recommend trying to reach out to them both separately and express that you miss them.
Bob
Hello, can I ask for advice?
I am a senior in high school and junior year I had this really good friend whom I would talk to everyday. We had known each other since middle school and had always talked. Anyway one day I asked if she wanted to see a movie, she said yes, and come night of the movie, there was some flirting or what felt like flirting. After the movie I drop her off at home and am pretty happy. But she doesn’t talk to me for about 3-4 weeks. I somehow get a response from her one day and boom we are back to normal. About a month later she asks if I would go to prom but strictly as friends she said, I say yes and we go to prom. I am a very shy person so I did t dance much but we stayed together all night. At the end of the dance she seemed bummed and barely talked to me, I try talking to her and making her laugh but nothings working. I take her home and now it has been 4-5 months since we’ve actually had a conversation. She didn’t even wish me happy birthday. I guess im just wondering if it is worth trying to reach out and how I could do that because this was my most cherished friendship.
KD
It sounds like she was going through something that she didn’t communicate to you. If you would like to reconnect with her, you can try reaching out. However, make sure you are mentally prepared for the fact that she may not respond. I hope it works out. Good luck!
They Insist I'm not a Third Wheel
Update:
They were ok with me for a bit, (my friends)
We kept living and the world went on, but they kept getting into little squabbles with each other like a normal couple. I usually stayed out of it.
I on occasion received emails about how I’m too nosy in their relationship, so then I’d back out. And when I’d back out they would say I’m too distant and don’t care enough.
Usually, the girl would spontaneously get upset at me for minute things in the distant past out of context, without warning about something we could have talked over months ago. And then proceeds to scold me for not telling things that happen in my life her saying she’s not a snowflake and can handle it, and then turning around and acting like a snowflake within a few days. At one point I got a letter from her saying that I was treating her boyfriend like me SO, I mean he’s my bro, but date him? Never in a million years, yuck. She kept that assumption that I liked him for an irritatingly long time.
First she’s clingy to him, and he tries to talk to his friends, then he’s clingy to her and she tries to get away and frankly, I’d just let them sort that out themselves ; – ;.
So then, one day, she randomly started messaging me with a “:)” after every sentence and a concerning chat status with a knife. I asked her if she was mad at me and she said no, about 3ish times. And eventually did say she was angry at me… basically for existing. She claimed I was talking to her boyfriend behind her back. we were talking about video games and e-sports and random stuff, and she just happened to not be present at that time, nobody was hiding anything ; – ;.
She was mad at me again for not telling her things that happen to me, which I didn’t because she already was going through some stuff and I didn’t want to pile up her worries, and frankly, my “big brother” friend (aka her boyfriend) has always been easier to talk to about those specific things I was dealing with at that time. I told her I tell them both different aspects of my life. I shouldn’t have to tell either person every single thing that happens, especially if I can just talk most of it out with my parents. It’s not a competition.
I asked her to tell me what was bothering her specifically, which was when she started listing the things above, and also asked me not to call my other friend “older brother” or “big bro” in any sort of sense because it made her uncomfortable. So I agreed.
I was talking to my bro (her boyfriend) later, trying to sort things out and figure out what was going on since I was out of context at the time.
And she randomly messaged me an exaggerated typing of his brother-nickname with an “UwU”, very sarcastically. I had already agreed to stop calling him that. And he agreed to stop using my lil-sis nickname too. So at this point it seemed like she didn’t even want me to talk to him.
There was a messy explosion from her when I told her mom I was worried for her mental health (she was really stressed). So now I’m basically exiled from both of them, and my bro doesn’t write me anymore, and pretends like he never knew me :<…
So yeah, kinda losing my mind now, really bored.
Miss Hall
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life history of being alive is to never make friends, ever again.
So far, my friendships are either one sided, have it where they don’t know me more than what they’re invested, or where they just up and leave, without even saying “Goodbye”.
The other day, a friend ended things over text and didn’t return any correspondence to talk about things. I think something could have been worked out or, at least, we could’ve parted on better terms.
My heart was been wounded but that was too much.
So, who needs friends? What good are they for? Well, I guess for heartbreak.
I’ll never make friends again. I shouldn’t have made any to start with.
Is it me?
Hi, I found this site looking for answers as to why my friend has been acting so weird. I don’t know if I have done something to hurt her or if she has something else going on. It seems like she’s been this way since she had gastric bypass surgery. She has lost so much weight, seems to be more confident and looks so beautiful even though I thought she was before also. She used to open up to me and we could talk for hours. She seems so shut off now and it’s like she’s a robot or something. She’s very vague now and gives short answers when I ask what’s going on. We used to get each other very personal gifts and do things for each other’s birthdays but now she’s too busy to even go out for dinner and just gets me random gift cards. I’m not complaining but she’s changed and she still goes out to dinner and on trips with other friends. Just not me. She will still message me if she needs a recipe or something but that’s it. If she’s mad at me, why would she continue to message me every now and then and why is she acting so strange? My kids miss her and still ask about her. They aren’t invited to her kid’s parties or for get togethers anymore like they used to which is heart breaking. It has just really put me in a bad depression because she was the only friend I really had. Or thought I had. Seems like everyone in my life just comes and goes. No one really sticks around and I don’t know if I attract certain types of friends or if I’m doing something to push them away. Any advice on how to handle this situation or to avoid getting hurt again?
KD
It seems like there are so many nuances to your situation. Keep in mind that I’m could never know what’s going on with your friend or your relationships with her. But I would suggest taking the time to reflect on some things. Like, what was the foundation of your relationship from the start. Did her conversations with you generally focus on weight or society’s pressures on women looking a certain way or how other women look? Did she have more friends than she did before she lost weight? Do you feel even the slightest bit of envy since her weight lost?
These are just a few questions to ask yourself to find out why thing have gone awry. What I will say without about 99% certainty is that you’re correct, your friend has changed. That’s too be expected when you go through a huge life change such as gastric bypass. Like you said, she lost a lot of weight and seems more confident. Unfortunately, with change in ones life, comes change in ones friendships/relationships. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But we all do it. Consider those friends/acquaintances you may have left behind once you had children because they no longer fit your lifestyle.
This doesn’t mean your friendship is necessarily dead. It could just be that you both are going to embark on different journeys and maybe some day become close friends again. Let your friend know how you’re feeling in case she doesn’t know. But don’t try to force her to be your friend. You mentioned that you children miss her, I would be worried that the longer you try to hang on to her, the more your children will be hurt in the process.
I hope this helps!
Valeria Avila
Hi
my name is Valeria Avila I know what feel when your friends talk to you all lot because they only talk to thier friends are the then you but I try to make new friends but I was very shy to talk to people and other I can not change the pass when your friends leaf you for ever but I will not be sad for that My dad said I can make new friends that who love talk about stuff but I feel alone whithout no body
KD
Your dad is right. You will eventually meet friends who have mutual interest. 🙂
Mya
Hello my name is Mya Pitter, so I had this friend I’m not gonna say her name but it’s starts with a B, I’ve been friends with her since 2017 and we had talked for so long and I really thought that the friendship was going great, we never argued or fight with each other until one day around March 2022 she randomly blocked me on Pinterest and my phone number so I blocked her back, it’s been months since she haven’t spoken to me and I wonder what have I done to make her feel the need to block me out for know where like that
I’m not a clingy desperate stalker person but I was curious to wonder what happened to her all month so I went on picuki and found her Instagram and I found out that she was still talking to another friend that I also used to be friends with and it really hurt me which was weird because she told me before that she didn’t like her so why would she go back and talk to her again? I’m not even gonna be supprised if they are a couple at this point
At first I was wondering what did I do wrong to cause her to block me without an explanation and it’s been so long since she still hasn’t spoken to me and she knew that I didn’t have any other friends to talk to but she decided to block and leave me anyway.Now it’s like I don’t care because I’m not getting any answers and I’m not gonna stress myself about it because I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I can’t not help but think about it still
KD
Hi Mya. My best advice – you have to let go of the desire to figure out what went wrong. It’s a hard thing to do. But it’s unlikely that you will ever figure out what happened. And that’s okay. Some people are selfish. Some people are just poor communicators. Some people are manipulators. Some people just don’t know how to be good friends.
My point is, at the end of the day it’s probably not about you. It’s usually about the other person–their wants, desires, needs, flaws, and/or personality. Don’t ruminate about the situation anymore. Let it go and allow yourself time to heal.
Adrian Guerrero
I have this friend named Jacky i text her how is she doing but never asks me how i am what does that mean is my friendship over with her?
KD
Jacky may just be self-centered. Let her know how you feel.
Adrian Guerrero
When i text my friend Jacky she always gives me one word texts what does that mean? I feel like she doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore or be my friend anymore
Michele
Hi, I enjoyed reading your article about friendship. I have a situation and have to accept it, as you have stated above, but it is a true grieving process. I have been friends with someone for 19 years. She was a friend chosen as family. Our families spent holidays together, vacationed, and just so much. I have been struggling with my marriage for a few years, and she has been supportive to both myself and my husband; however, as the summer months approached I started to recongize that she was not connecting with me. If I messaged her, etc. her answers were short and she never reached out to me. Long story, and I won’t go into all the details, but a few situations have occurred where she has been incredibly passive agressive, when seeing her out in public, that she doesn’t want anything to do with me. Stopped including me in outings with other friends (even my family), with no explanation.
I reached out to her to say, clearly something is wrong, and for the life of me I don’t know what the issue is, or if I did something to offend you, but I would love to talk. She told me she didnt have time.
I decided I would write her a letter (as a way for me to try and put closure on it). I wrote the letter and just explained I was grieving the loss of our friendship and that I wish she would share with me what happened so I could at least understand.
It is really hard to understand what could have happened that 19 years of friendship doesn’t deserve a conversation. It is incredibly sadd and leaves me with such a strong feeling of rejection.
KD
Wow, my heart aches for you. You’re right, something happened. It’s unfortunate that your ex-friend will not at least tell you what caused her to end the friendship. I’ve been there. And I’ll be honest, nothing made it better except time. I suggest doing four things: (1) accept that you will likely never get an answer for what went wrong; (2) stop reaching out to your old friend; (3) try to make new friendships; (4) do not allow you mind to convince you that you were the problem. The last one is very important. Naturally, our brains try to fill in missing information when we are trying to make sense of things. Instead of allowing your mind to create some type of negative rationale, remind yourself that you don’t know the reason your friend left–and that’s okay. The situation is awful, but it was clearly meant for that chapter of your life to end (either temporarily or permanently). Time is on your side. One day you’ll wake up and realize that the loss you are experiencing is painful than it used to be.
Thomas
Hello! I really liked your post as it gave me some clarity on what is going on in my life. I wanted to ask you something. I have this female friend with whom I’m really close..now suddenly she has stopped talking to me. No response to text messages and no phone calls. Completely ignoring me. Now I’m ok if she does not want to talk to me. I’m also ready to do anything to continue our friendship. But the thing is she owes me $1000. I have it to her when she needed it to go abroad and meet her friends. Since she was not able to afford it, i gave her my money. I’m a student. That was my savings. I eed it back. How am I supposed to inform this to a friend who is ignoring me without even giving a reason? Please help.
KD
Hi Thomas. I’m sorry to say that you probably won’t get your $1,000 back. Your friend (and I say that loosely) probably took advantage of you. Hence, why she is ignoring you now. If you find out where the person is living when they return from abroad, you could try your luck in small claims court, but it probably won’t even be worth the time and expense.
This is one of those situations in life that comes with a big lesson. Never lend money to people that you don’t know if you can trust. And, even then, put the loan in writing (i.e. a contract). Also, you should never give your
savings
out as a loan. They are savings for a reason. If someone is that desperate, they can go to a bank or otherwise miss out on the opportunity.
Please don’t let that crappy friend spoil your outlook on other friendships. Just be careful who you trust. Good luck with everything!
Luis
I am pretty sure mine dropped me because the new guy in her life. We were so close until this guy comes in 4 years ago, she started ignoring my texts for days and was getting mad at me for making her feel bad for ignoring me all the time. She broke up with this guy and we got close again, she seemed fine so I disappeared for a while and she goes back to ignoring me for days again as she went back to him. I see her and we agree in a few weeks to see eachother again, but then she says she’s busy with other people so I am pissed and tell her I will message her in the summer (so 6 months). My first text to her and she dumps me in a TEXT MESSAGE!!! saying she’s too busy to be my friend, has a lot going on, and feels bad she can’t give me what I deserve (a friendship lol???). A week later I text her sorry for treating her bad (even though I didn’t?), she says to not appologise that I did nothing wrong, but she feels bad she can’t be my friend, but we made up and saw eachother. After that I have not heard from her since.
I am the only one that was kicked out, so it seems obvious someone told her to kick me out (him), Her other friends are also female except her ex who’s now her BFF and always around eachother.
KD
It seems as though what you and her had different expectations with regard to time commitment. If you two ever short things out again, you should lay out your expectations. She may tell you that she can is only willing to put in small amounts of time to the friends, and you have to decide whether you can accept that or not. Consider everything she brings to the table. If she has great qualities (apart from not being around as much as you want her to be) you may decide it’s worth it to continue being her friend.
y**L*
Hi, I shall admit here I am the one who ghosted my friend, we have an arguement, it took me so long to open up, its been almost 10 years I am being friend with her. Now finally I started to be comfortable to open up about how I feel, I am no longer wanted to hold my feeling so I let her know what bother me about how she behave. Unfortunately I didn’t get a good response from her, I am too dissappointed that I decided to ghosted her. just literally cut all tie. Its been three month since I reflected on what has happened, and I feel like I want to end this relationship with a proper closure, but I am not sure whether its right for me to contact her with this intention. I just dont want to left a deep wound on her by ending that conflicted conversation that way. I want to let her know that I am very greatful for this friendship and that she didn’t do any mistake and it just because both of us has different personality and we both may no longer compatable to be a friend. She is my only friend and family that I have, I am letting her go because she is valuable person to me, and I only want to keep a good memory. btw I am used to be alone, so all of this not easy for me, it seems like I did not appreciate friendship but deep inside this is the only relationship that I have, how can I did not appreciate it? it is just the way we express appreciation is different.
KD
Hi. It was very brave of you to let F know what was bothering you. That’s not an easy thing to do. It seems as though F is not open to the idea of being your friend after you ghosted them. And unfortunately, you have to accept that. Being ghosted hurts. And it chips away at the trust, security, and foundation of a friendship.
I know that you want to give proper closure but F has probably already created their own closure during the time you all were no longer talking. If you contact F again, you’ll likely just be reopening old wounds for F, which is not fair to F.
It sounds like you are actually the one in need of proper closure. If so, I suggest that you prepare a letter, writing all the things you would say to F if you could speak to them again. When you are done writing the letter, don’t send it. Just read the letter to yourself as though you are telling F all of the things you’ve written. And then make peace with the fact that you and F will likely never speak again. Hopefully this gives you the closure you need. Good luck!
Friend of a friend
Hi KD,
Great article! What do you do when you are the one in situation 1 and/or 2, where you are the person who withdraws.
I feel really bad about it but I have severe depression and I feel like a burden when people ask “am I ok?” So rather than responding, I sometimes hold back and hope to respond when I feeling better.
My most recent bout with depression lasted a couple of months (still lingering to be honest). I reached out to a close friend who I’ve known for over 10 years to apologize and explain that my depression was acting up and I am sorry I didn’t respond to messages lately.
Most of my friends have been understanding but this one friend in particular has not gotten back to me. I’m not sure what to do. It’s been a couple of weeks now.
KD
Thank you for taking the time to read my article. It’s absolutely normal to withdraw when you are going through bouts of your depression. So don’t be hard on yourself! Just as I told another person, being ghosted hurts. And it chips away at the trust, security, and foundation of a friendship. So I’m not surprised that at least one of your friends has not gotten back to you. That friend may not understand what it’s like for someone with depression. Or, they simply may not care. Regardless, don’t beat yourself up over that one friend not reaching back out to you.
Instead, focus your time and attention on the friends that did reconnect with you. They clearly care about you, and those are the type of people you want in your cirlce! I will only make one recommendation. The next time you feel a low coming, try reaching out to your friends to give them warning that you may not be available, and that it is not about them. You need time to take care of your mental health. This of course is not always possible with depression. But if you can muster up the energy to do it, then do it. It may save you and another person from a lot of heartache down the road.
Another option is to be forward with your friends before you ever go into a bout of depression. You could say something like, “hey I just want you to know that sometimes I go through bouts of depression and will withdraw. If you suddenly stop hearing from me for any length of time, please understand that I’m dealing with some issues and need to take time for myself. But I will return when my cup is no longer empty.”
This does two things: (1) puts your friends on notice; and (2) gives your friends an opportunity to create a space where you feel safe enough to speak to them even when you are depressed.
Good luck my dear!
Patrick Smith
I can agree being ghosted by a friend is very tough. Especially, when you love them so much. I recently had a friend completely cut me off when no direct explanation. We did have words after Christmas but, my friend was more hurtful and disrespectful towards when I just kept quiet to prevent more heat. However, I thought we were fine. But, a day later no call no text. So, I give them space but it’s been 2 weeks no calls no text? I’m so hurt that after all we have been through I didn’t even get the courtesy as to why they stop talking to me? I’m not perfect but I also apologize for my mistakes. I still love my friend but I can continue to feel hurt like this. Should I walk away?
KD
Hi. If you love this person–let’s call them G–then you don’t have to walk away immediately. Christmas was less than two months ago. It’s also a very tough time of the year for a lot of people.
G may come back around and try to hash things out. If they do, sit down with G and have a discussion. Let G speak first and ask them to tell you all the things that are bothering them in your friendship. Don’t interrupt them. Just listen. Then ask G to let you respond, uninterrupted. Hopefully after expressing how you both feel you can resolve your issues and reconnect on a deeper level.
If you can’t come to a resolution, that’s okay. As I said in the article, not all friendships are meant to last forever. But hopefully things work out for you and G since you seem to really love them.
Liz
Hi,
So I was wondering if I could have some advice on something going on with one of my best friends. We have been really close for about three years now and text long paragraphs to each other almost every day about how we are doing and updates on are mental health, families and days. About a month ago she started responding less frequently and with shorter responses. Ik she is struggling with mental health but in the past we both have used texting each other as a way to vent when we are struggling with depression. She also used to date my brother but now she has a new boyfriend and since then it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. She always seems busy and it feels like she was almost using me to get information on my brother but now that they’re broken up she doesn’t talk to me. I feel like I’m overreacting though because when she told me she had a new boyfriend I sent her a really long text, it was nice, but long, and she hasn’t responded to it and I sent it 4-5 days ago. I think this is the longest it’s ever taken her to respond and it seems like she doesn’t care about me anymore but in person she acts nice and when she does bother to text she usually is nice. What do you think I should do? Should I start responding less too or respond as I normally do when she does text me? Her mental health is fragile and I’m scared of hurting her more if I was to ghost her.
Sorry this is long and very scrambled,
Thanks,
-Liz
KD
Hey Liz. It seems like your friendship with the EX was at least partially based on the fact that she was coupled up with your brother. Now that EX is dating someone else, the dynamic of your friendship has changed. It’s very likely that she won’t talk to you as frequently as she used to. You have to determine if that is sufficient to you. You mentioned that EX is a nice person when she does speak to you. So is EX a great friend (apart from not talking to you a lot)? If she is, then I don’t see any reason to not keep her as a friend. It’s okay to have friends of all types. Some friends we hang out with a lot, and some friends we hang out with a little. And the amount time we spend with a friend can fluctuate depending on what we have going on in our respective lives).
If you don’t feel like EX is a good friend at all, or that you need more from the friendship, then it’s probably best to part ways. You don’t have to ghost EX. If you want to spare her mental health, you can just tell EX that you care about her, but can no longer devote the time and attention to your friendship, but you are grateful for all the memories you two created.
I hope this helps. – KD
Melyssa
Hi, So I have a friend who I care deeply about and wish to continue being friends with her but she won’t say anything to me so the back story I have 4 roommates my friend is included in that one of them threw out her food and she got upset and I guess to put the blame on everybody but it feels like she only pointed the blame at me which is weird since I didn’t touch her food. Some days go by and I ask her if is everything ok and she doesn’t respond to me and is just really cold. I see her one day and ask hey do you want to continue being friends she doesn’t even look at me and said I just wanna be left alone from me and I’m very confused as to why and I understand people need their space and I have no problem doing that since people go through things but I ask her to why and she says I know what I did which in reality I don’t since I wouldn’t be asking you of course and she says I should know what I did wrong because I’m an adult but I’m trying to figure out what the problem is so that I can solve it but I feel like I shouldn’t because I don’t see that I did anything wrong. I even apologized for something that I didn’t do and it’s becoming ridiculous because of what happened I feel like it’s from something else and she isn’t even being an adult to own up and fix the issue I just don’t wanna lose her as a friend because I really care for her but it seems like shes ok with throwing it away. Any Advice
KD
Based on what you have said, Roommate is a very poor communicator. It’s not unreasonable for you not to know “what you did” if someone hasn’t told you. You probably won’t ever know why Roommate is mad at you. You can only guess. But I wouldn’t even bother because there is no guarantee that you’ll guess correctly, and Roommate will still be upset.
My recommendation is to ask Roommate if you can take her out for lunch so that you two can chat. If she accepts your invitation, GREAT! During the lunch, calmly explain to her that you want to repair your friendship, but you honestly don’t know where things went wrong, and that it would help if she would tell you.
If she doesn’t accept your invitation or she’s confrontational and avoidant during the lunch. I would just let the situation go. Who know’s maybe someday Roommate will come to you and let you know what went wrong. Good luck! – KD
Sally
I have or had a friend and we would talk all day everyday. about 2 weeks ago she stopped texting me. We dont go to the same school so I can only see her if we arrange a time to hang out. But like i said she stopped talking to me. I didnt say anything odd or out of the ordinary in the texts the day before. We have a mutual friend who says she is fine and hasnt mentioned me or anything wrong. I don’t know what to do becuase idk what i did. And i dont want to let her go. But i have texted an apology and asked what i did and still no response so I don’t know how to contact and make things right.
UNKOWN
Hello, i need some advice. i met this guy in school back in august and we always talked daily and sat together at school but a few months later he stopped talking to me and my other friend and started talking and sitting with another group, i had asked eventually after awhile why and what happened and he said he had no clue and that the fallout just happened. we talk rarely now but when we do sometimes he leaves me on seen and its simply me asking how he is doing. we look at each other when we pass each other in school but dont talk. i miss the friendship and i have no idea what to do. scared to text and try to talk to him because of the recurring left on seen. he also seems to have changed a lot, the way he talks, types, dresses even his hairstyle. theres not an issue with that but it was so random. he’s different now, completely id say. the more we text he starts typing the way he did before the change but then he randomly ignores and leaves me on seen. i have no idea what to do, im lost and confused.
Quillet
I recently had a friend (best friend really who we didnt really think our friendship would end kinda friend) who I went up to and asked if she would like to she my presentation. She says that her parents would not allow contact with me anymore. She told me the reason is what she was talking about yesterday. She was getting a therapist for her “not being able to be heard” I told her that that was great. Nothing rude. When she told me she was not going to talk to me, I imminently started to think of all the reasons why. Her parents are the ones that are very supportive and strict. Her parents arent Homophobic or anything of the sorts. She doesn’t have a phone (shes 14) so I can not text her. I’m holding back the urge to email her dad and ask why in a semi-aggressive tone. I am the only one she has stopped talking to, which is strange because she has way more mentally ill friends than me. Have I done anything wrong? What should I do?
Krystle
Hi KD,
Really liked this article… Well I recently got married and have moved to a different state.
I had two best friends who I worked and just before the wedding one of them started ignoring me and I kept calling her many times but she still continued to ignore me.
After I got married they both wished me for the wedding and they kept in touch but the messages were to the point.
Then they suddenly stopped talking to me. After I found out I was pregnant and had a lot of complications with the pregnancy and then a miscarriage even when I told them what happened they only sent a message saying take care.
Even when I told them I’m back home and would like to meet them no one bothered to meet me.
I sent them a message recently telling them how hurt I was .
But till now no one has got in contact with me and everyday I sit and just wonder what did I do to them .
Can you please give me some advice.
Aashi Jindal
Hi
It’s not about a friend but a sort of business contact I wanted to have a meeting with him but he’s just not picking up my calls I when first tried few times he didn’t pick up but after he said he will check his schedule and inform me accordingly I think I was being too friendly with a business contact now the mess has already been done he’s not answering my calls I’ve called so many times but he’s just not ready to listen to me what should I do I don’t even know if he even reads messages or mails he always says I’m very busy what should I do I don’t understand I want to have a meeting only plz suggest me something to solve my problem.
And the blog was very calming thankuu for that 😄
Sarah Nichols
Thank you as there is some good advice here. I do know of some people who become very quiet periodically and needed to know of a good way to reach out to them without overwhelming them.
Thank you!
KD
Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m glad you found my post helpful!
S*****N
I have been scouring the internet for articles such as these and try to make sense of how I should approach whether I should permanently end a decade long friendship. In fact, this is not any friendship – this is my best friend we are talking about. My longest running and closest friendship with anyone. So, choosing to sever this friendship for good will be worse than a romantic breakup.
We both met in our 20s at a yoga class. We are two guys. After taking a few classes together, we started talking before and after class. We hit it off really well. Not too much longer after we met, he moved away to college out of state. At this point, other than me finding him on Facebook, we did not really stay in touch as we were more acquantences.
Ironically, I received an acceptance letter to law school in this same state about a year later in this same state where he moved for college. Not in the same city, but just in the same state. This was my opportunity to try moving somewhere far away and experience life outside my comfort zone.
I did not know anyone in this place far from home, so I decided to send him a DM on Facebook messenger. We reconnected and he made an effort to come by and visit me while passing through the city I was living. We grabbed dinner and instantly reconnected.
Needless to say, we hit it off really well again. We began hanging out with each other every weekend and on holidays. We became each other’s extended family and living in a place far away from our hometime. Over a couple years, we got to know each other so well that inevitable dusagreements occured from time-to-time. Nothing serious until he started dating a girl he met online.
Our first big fight was when he got into a relationship he ghosted me and did not even tell me that he was busy with a new romantic relationship. He never once told me that he started dating someone. The secretiveness came off as suspiciously evasive. This left me feeling confused. I expressed this to him when he finally re-initiated contact with me….at this point, however, he was not getting along with this girl and they shortly broke up several weeks later. We reconnected once again like before and I was there for him to get over this breakup.
Our biggest fight occured when he started dating two women at the same that KNEW each other. He did privvy me to this arrangement. I told him it was not a great idea and they would find out.
Of course, one of them tracked me down on social media and asked me what I knew – because she found out. Girls talk and the gig was up. I did not want to be part of that love triange, so I did not give any attention to it. He found out she messaged me, blamed me for withholding this info, and hung up when I tried to explain myself. To no avail, I was blocked on all contact without ever getting to explain why I did not want to be involved in whatever mess he made for himself. I was hurt for weeks and saw where I probably went wrong by not saying anything, but I accepted it. Almost a year later, he text me out of the blue. I almost chocked on my food and instantly my adrelane shot up. The message was “hey” as if nothing happened. I responded the following day stating that I was not ready to talk. He apologized. I decided to be humble and show some grace. People make mistakes. Over the next few months, we slowly increased contact but I was very careful to not jump right back into the friendship. His girlfriend at the time told me that he was down and depressed that he cut me off for nearly six months. She said he felt so bad and didn’t know how to rekindle the friendship….she talked him into reaching out to me so that it would improve their relationship. Even though I didn’t jump right back in, he apparently got much happier again and their relationship improved. Sadly, they eventually broke up.
After about two years following this first big fight, we were pretty close again; although at this point, I moved back home once I finished law school and was studying for the bar. The distance between us felt healthy and allowed me to allow him back into my life. After moving back home, each year we made it a point to take a bro trip together for about a week a year. We went to Miami, NYC, and Costa Rica – most recently.
Since our trip to Costa Rica back in August of 2022, he began to pull away again – not right away, but our contact has become increasingly less. I figured he was getting into another romantic relationship with some new girl. Still, he told me nothing about him even seeing someone knew. I went on intuition based on his former predictable behavior. I chose to be understanding that he will come back around when the honeymoon phase and did not get upset. In fact, I gave him space instead because I believe compromise is important to nurture a friendship.
By Christmas 2022, during the holidays I did finally reach out to him and called to wish him a Merry Christmas and see what he was up to.
He would only reply via text message and ignored my calls. This hurt. We haven’t actually spoken on a phone call since late October 2022, but stayed in touch via text. By February 2023, I hit him up by text that I was going to Europe and asked if he wanted to go. This time, I got a flat out “No” as a response. The curt replies became more frequent in between ignored text messages and occasional memes we would share with each other.
Nonetheless, I went over to Europe without him. He never asked me about my trip but watched all my Instagram stories and surely saw the photos. By April 2023, all my messages now go completely ignored.
About a month ago, I expressed that this sort of treatment is very hurtful and feel that he has cut me out of his life. I specificially asked for a response to ask where we stand, that message went ignored.
A few days ago, his brother hit me up and told me that he is about to get married and has a child on the way. What?! That gut punch feeling instantly came over me. This has bothered me for several days and feel betrayed that I learned this from anyone else but my best friend.
This was the man that was going to be best man at my wedding, and me at his wedding. Ouch….
So, now it is June 2023. I find that his treatment of me over these last few months is frankly, reprehensible. We are in our 30s now. I feel like I am too old for this nonsense. I feel embarrassed and dumb that I allowed him back into my life once before and this is happening again four years after we reconnected….but perhaps I am being not understanding to his situation: was it accidental pregnancy and he feels obligated to marry her?
He will surely want to speak again and maybe he is in shock and wasn’t ready to share this big news with me.
On the other hand, he knows that going ghost unannounced for several months to a year at a time, is not something I appreciate. In fact, it leaves me hurt, confused, and thinking I did something wrong – all to find out everything is OK.
Here are the million dollar questions (pick one):
1. Should I permanently pull the plug for good?
2. Should I be more understanding and let him come back when he is ready?
(Maybe he might be asking me to be his best man but just isn’t ready yet to tell me – but serriously, I didn’t even know he was dating someone, let alone getting married with a child on the way).
Red Pill/Blue Pill analogy here…..
If I make the wrong choice, it will feel completely guilty for throwing away an otherwise amazing friendship: my comrade, my brother, and my best friend.
One final thought: I have been in romantic relationships but I always find time to keep in touch with my friends and family.
Thank you to anyone that has made it this far and for reading this long timeline of events. Any advice would be appreciated. This has got me in tough spot.
KD
Hi. I’m very sorry for what you are going through. You may want to consider reading my most recent blog post about friendship breakups. In it I discuss reasons someone might want to break up a friendship and how to do it.
Responding to your questions:
“1. Should I permanently pull the plug for good?”
Unfortunately, no one can answer this question for you. In any relationship, you have to set a minimum bar for who you want to accept as a friend. For example, maybe the minimum bar is someone who is funny, likes adventures, and calls you once per week.
Some people will fall below that bar, while others will far exceed it. The people who fall below the bar and have no intentions of ever rising above it, are the people that you let go. What is your minimum bar? Now ask yourself, where does your friend fall–above or below it?
This should give you the answer to your question.
“2. Should I be more understanding and let him come back when he is ready?”
Again, only you can make this decision. I will point out that you are speculating by saying “maybe he might be asking me to be his best man but just isn’t ready yet to tell me”. You’ll never know the reason he pulled away unless he tells you. There’s no reason to speculate as to why he left you in the dark AGAIN. The better thing to do is ask yourself, what reasons do I have to allow him back into my life if he comes back around? What will he add to my life if I let him back in? Asking yourself these questions and being honest with yourself will guide you to the answer you need.
“If I make the wrong choice, it will feel completely guilty for throwing away an otherwise amazing friendship: my comrade, my brother, and my best friend.”
There is no wrong choice. There is only the choice you make and the choice you don’t make. Just make a choice based on what you know in the present, accept it, and everything will be fine. Remember, time heals everything, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment.
KD
Umbrawitch3000
I stop talking to a friend coworker simply because I didn’t want to open about my sexuality and let her know I have a girlfriend and it’s very hard for me to connect with someone with a narrow minded perspective. I feel like this person wouldn’t understand because of the way they are brought up. I did it for the both of us. I don’t know how to bring it up. It feels unfortunate I can’t say anything about my personal life to her.